Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.