Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

marvel comics have peaked

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

Ken is short for chicken

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.