Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
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Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I feel seen.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up