why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
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The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Just had my nails done!
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.