why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
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Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
yeet
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
dark side of the loom
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️