why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
You Might Also Like
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Me, in DM rooms…
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
i can’t wait that long
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG