Why are bridges so flammable.
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My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u