Why are bridges so flammable.
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No