Why are bridges so flammable.
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An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Pleading insanity in small claims court
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]