Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
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Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
Hero horse inspires millions
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.