Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
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9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls