Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
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marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I didn’t come here to be called names
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
True
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*