Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

Beware of the “party goblin”…

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here