Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
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INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.