Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
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Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
I want this so bad
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Dyslexics are teople poo!
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost