Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.