Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky