Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

Anime is real

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

Good Morning.

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.