Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
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A dead goose is called a ghoost
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
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I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
quarantine day 3
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
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I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
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I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.