Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
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Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky