Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
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Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.