Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
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New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
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Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
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I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.