Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”