Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
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Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.