@JimmerThatisAll

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

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@awkwardphilippe

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

@truegritrumble

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

@meladoodle

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

@KenJennings

PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away “surrounded by family,” do you picture murder, or suicide?

@RickyFabiyi

Huh? People check their hand after picking their nose, what do you expect? A piece of diamond!

@AimeeHelene1

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

@CherBear162

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.