@JimmerThatisAll: Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
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@deathoftheparty: read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.” Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
@HughGoesThere: Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night. Her: I'm sure it was an impersonator. Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house? Me: They can't get in. 6: Why not? Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.