Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
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if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.