*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
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Mugger: Give me all your money!
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away “surrounded by family,” do you picture murder, or suicide?
Huh? People check their hand after picking their nose, what do you expect? A piece of diamond!
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.