Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie


WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.


this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes


PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away “surrounded by family,” do you picture murder, or suicide?


Huh? People check their hand after picking their nose, what do you expect? A piece of diamond!


Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.


Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.