Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
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turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.