Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
You Might Also Like
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.