Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
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Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
My dad is at it again
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.