Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
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Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl