Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
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Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
