Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
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Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.