Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

not to brag, but mine was free

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.