Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
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Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
do what now??
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay