Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
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“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world