Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
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I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.