Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
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In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.