Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
You Might Also Like
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Breaking news:
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
linkedin the good parts
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.