Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.