Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
About to form my very first opinion
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Finally, an explanation.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.