Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
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Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”