Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]

Me: Oh. You’re staying?

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

i wish all

whales

a very

big

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

Who chose this font

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”