Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
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Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here