Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

this is what they would have looked like, though

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

As a doctor, I can confirm

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department