Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

new dr. seuss book dropping:

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

For real 🤣

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.