Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
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I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor