Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
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Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
I can’t deal with men any longer
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.