Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
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Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
