Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

Bro what is this

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

the last thing a carrot sees

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….