Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.