Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
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A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.