Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

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The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.


Me: Babe will you love me when I’m old & fat.

Wife: I sure do.


Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.


Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here


But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?


Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.


I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.


I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.


Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom