Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
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Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Me too door. Me too.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*