Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!