why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
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I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I am thick and tired. 🙄
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
just pretend nothing happened
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.