My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
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Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
2 years later
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Waiting for the Charmin
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters