Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
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Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
this is me
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
