Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
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The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
is frankincense just very honest incense?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
yeah not falling for this one
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.