Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
You Might Also Like
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
my name if I was in the mob
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Breaking news:
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
welp
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.