Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

I see your IQ test came back negative

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

Why do I have so many emails?

I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

Breaking news:

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.