The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
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Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
hmm conte-me mais
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Donkey Kong sommelier