Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

#merica

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

As the Lord intended

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….

Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?

Her: Wow!

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.