Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
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I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
the red hot silly peppers
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”