“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
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me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Steam Forums
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.