“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
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My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
the best thing i’ve ever made
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse