“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
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My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.