Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
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I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
#Caturday
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Lol.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.