Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

Ummm 😳

X-tra spooky blend

Found my door mat

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.