Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
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FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness