Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
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Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.