Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
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I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Wolves should really raise more people.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Shark week, but for squirrels.
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep