Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
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Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
What the hell happened here.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson