Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
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(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?
The asteroid..
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”