Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

So that’s what we looked like?

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

My ideal weight is five million dollars

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.