why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
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FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.