why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
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The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol